View From a Prairie Home

by Hege Hernfindahl, Columnist

There are so many facets to the human experience. Anger. Sadness. Joy. Rejection.  These feelings are so private, yet universal. I have written about both sadness and joy multiple times. But never about rejection.

We all experience it at various times in our lives. When rejected on a personal or professional level, we can retreat or we can shrug it off and move forward. Like most feelings, how we feel about the experience of rejection is rooted in our childhood. If we were rejected by our caregivers as children, it is much harder to move on from rejection as adults. Our sense of self, also formed in childhood, mirrors how we deal with being rejected as adults.

I grew up with an ambitious and driven mother. She had a Ph.D. in Applied Economics and worked as a consultant for the Norwegian Government, specializing in the economic conditions of families. She even wrote a book, which was part of the curriculum in Applied Economics at the University of Oslo. Raising children was not her main interest and she often appeared cold and uninterested in us. As a child, I could never live up to her expectations of me. My father was the CFO of a major Norwegian shipping company and travelled extensively. But when he was home, he was truly present for us. He listened with patience and gave us unconditional love.

I still struggle with rejection. But I am married to an amazing man. He has always given me love and support. He listens and he encourages. And I have learned from him and from my father to not be so hurt when I perceive rejection. Most of it is not personal. The opening sentence, which I quote to myself often, in Rick Warren’s book “The Purpose Driven Life” is “It’s not about you.” So profound.

If your application for that dream job falls through, it could be that there were hundreds of other applicants and we should just try for another job. If a friend doesn’t seem to see you, it could be she has too much on her mind. Our responses are deep-rooted and it will take a lot of work to change our feelings of hurt and low self-esteem caused by rejection, however minor. Like all deep-seated emotions, new pathways to healthier ways of dealing with rejections can by forged in the brain by consciously focusing on our default reactions.   

Last Sunday, our pastor talked about Peter’s telling Jesus He didn’t have to be crucified. Jesus response was “Get behind me, Satan.” Rejection, indeed. But the greatest rejection was of Jesus when the multitudes who had earlier hailed him on Palm Sunday, later cried out: “Crucify Him!” We were also told on Sunday to be courageous and go forth and act like Jesus. Like Alexei Navalny did when he fought against the dictatorship and corruption of the evil empire of Vladimir Putin. His last words before being killed in prison were:” The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good people to do nothing.”  The lesson here is to not fear rejection, but to go out and do what is right, to not be intimidated by bullies. To believe that peace and goodness will win in the end.