View From The Cab

By David Tollefson, Columnist

Regular viewers may recall that I have quoted Karen Schwaller before. She writes from her grain and livestock farm near Milford, Iowa.

This column came from the August 16, 2024 issue of THE LAND magazine. Here it is:

If there’s one thing farmers don’t succumb to, it’s watching television.

They don’t have time for it anyway, and in the rare occurrence that they might actually darken the doorway to see what all the commotion is about in the family room, they can’t bear to watch for more than a couple of minutes. Hollywood simply cannot duplicate the excitement that happens on the farm in real life and in real time.

Nonetheless, I do think it would be interesting to surf the TV channels if these people were allowed to govern what is seen there. Following are some television shows a farmer might actually watch or even design outright:

*Jeopardy: No worries that Alex Trebek is no longer with us. A farmer would make the show all about the things he/she jeopardizes, in an effort to make a living. This might include finances in exchange for crops, livestock and an annual game of ‘chicken’ with Mother Nature; personal health, and marriages during tax seasons.

*The Price is Right-Whether it’s at the meat counter, the hardware store or the implement dealership, it becomes clear that a farmer really could die from sticker shock. They work hard for their living, and don’t always get the financial returns they need or want. This show would be about following a farmer in “Candid Camera” fashion and seeing their expressions as they price things (especially at the parts counter), and following them undercover as they use their polished-up skills to dicker on prices.

*The Big Bang Theory-These 30 minutes would showcase some classic impacts between farm implements in the field. I was part of such an ill-timed occurrence a handful of years ago when I arrived at the combine with the tractor and grain cart much sooner than my husband had anticipated. There was a big bang alright—first in the end rows, and then straight out of the liquor cabinet when the repair bill arrived. (See The Price is Right.”)

*Secrets of the Zoo—This show would be unique, because it could feature scenes from the animal-like chaos that occurs both in the house and in the field when spring planting and harvest time arrives. That one would probably involve a lot of “bleeping.” Even Dr. Phil may have to admit it would probably be funnier if the show’s producers used elephant sounds in place of the usual and unimaginative “bleep” to override naughty words.

*Deadliest Catch”—This one could follow a farmer as he goes about finding a life partner.  The title features the word ‘deadliest,’ because of the fine print on the marriage license that apparently neither of them read.  (See associated show, “Divorce Court.”)

*Law and Order—These are some infractions which necessitate a farmer having to take the law into his own hands—such as someone driving through his corn field, or chicken thievery.  This program would be an investigative piece that showcases the innovative ways in which farm people reclaim what is theirs—from a life lesson concocted in the farm shop, to Yosemite Sam’s simple solution to those ‘blasted varmints’ with sticky fingers.

*Family Feud—This show would follow farm families as they proceed through their “to-do” list and how they would decide what needs to be done. This show may be filmed at the farm yard or shop, standing in a field, or if discussions go south, in the local dentist office.

*Survivor—This show would be a ratings shoo-in. Here’s the story line: someone decides to farm for a living, and the show would follow someone talking to the banker, deciding what they can spend, then going out and actually purchasing equipment, seed, livestock and a home, and put it all on the line every year as a way of life.  (……er, wait—is that show already on?)

*U.S. Farm Report—This show is scheduled for a 30-minute time slot, but the commentary and analysis usually continue long enough to satisfy a farmer, but nearly turn everyone else nearby into petrified objects. 

It’s during those times when lesser-interested farm women might find other things to do—including picking up a bottle of calf scour medicine to hone the spelling of ‘diarrhea.’

Ask me how I know that…..

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As I write this, it is raining again. What a different year so far in 2024 compared to 2023. During the growing season of 2023 (April to this time in August) I recorded 10.84 inches of rain.

During the same time period this year, April through the 20th of August, I have recorded double the amount of rain, 20.81 inches.

On the land I operate at this time, I guess I prefer a wetter year to a dryer year, since those acres vary from very heavy, black soil, to hilly, gravelly soil. This year, especially the soybeans look very, very good even on the hilltops.

I receive the monthly weather reports from the West Central Research and Outreach Center 22 miles northwest of my farm. Of particular note for July, Morris had 3.33 inches of rain, while I had 6.71 inches during July.    

Along with the rainfall, WCROC also reports temperatures, highs and lows. On only one day, July 31, did the temperature get to 90 degrees, so that is kind to our crops at the very important reproductive phases of corn and soybeans. The average high temperature for July was 83 at Morris.

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Please contact David Tollefson with thoughts or comments on this or future columns at: adtollef@hcinet.net