Views from a Prairie Home

By Hege Herfindhl

I have always read. As soon as I understood the connection between letters and words at the age of six, I have read. I mostly read for enjoyment. I also read to learn. So now, I read about grief and how to live with it. I have already written about “It’s Okay to not be Okay” by Megan Devine. Another good book is “No Happy Endings” by Nora McInerny, which is a memoir.

Nora lost her father, her unborn child and her husband all within six months. Like Megan Devine’s book, this memoir deals with society’s rush to “cure” grief. But we can’t and shouldn’t cure grief. Nora explores the tension between finding happiness and holding space for the unhappy experiences that shape us.

She introduced me to the tension and philosophical distinction in life between “but” and “and.” She says she wants to embrace all of her life experiences. She says “but” comes in the way. Her heart sings for joy when she falls in love again. This love and joy shouldn’t be contrasted with a BUT as she is also grieving the loss of her young husband from brain cancer. She says you shouldn’t have to choose between joy and loss. Joy and loss can coexist. Because of the darkness, the light seems brighter. We shouldn’t deny who we are. We should embrace all of our life’s experiences, whether they put you in the shadow of the valley of death or on the mountaintop of glory.

As I am writing this, I am grieving a very good friend of mine who died suddenly only two days ago. If I were to write her obituary, I would begin with telling the world she was a renaissance woman. She dealt with a heart wrenching divorce, drove tractors, managed a farm alone, could quilt, knit and climb on the roof to put on Christmas lights. AND she was inclusive. She was kind and would share everything she had with others. After Erland got cancer, she texted me almost every day with a comforting message. She visited the sick AND had always had time for her family and friends. She never said: “I could come, BUT I don’t have the energy or time or inclination.” She was an AND person. And the hole in my heart is bigger today because, no matter where she is now, we have lost her here on this earth.

She is a role model for me as I am sure she is for many others. I want to embrace my friends and beloved sons who are in heaven AND enjoy and marvel in my many grandchildren and the rest of my family and the friends I have left. It doesn’t mean I am not sad. I am sad and happy at the same time. I try to move forward. To enjoy the sunrise and sunset, which these days are beyond beautiful. I decorate for Christmas with all the light I can muster; candles and big and small Christmas trees. I want to enjoy the light that shines through the long, dark nights of December which reminds us of our Savior; the light who came into this world.

We just celebrated Thanksgiving and we will soon celebrate Christmas, despite the two empty chairs. Holidays are supposed to be festive and not sad. We tried to be festive on Thanksgiving. Turkey with trimmings. Five types of pie, courtesy of my young granddaughter, Hanna who at 16 is a master baker. We were together and remembered last year when we were in Brussels together with Erland. We were sad, of course and we told jokes AND laughed.

In a few days, I will meet with a group of girlfriends without Janel who was the glue that held this group together. I know we will cry and laugh. Isn’t that what life is all about; the richness of experience AND laughter in the midst of grief.