With 29 coaches, winning is now inevitable

From Jim Thoreen, Glenwood

 (A no longer confused fan?)

Well, if only we had known that a complete staff of 29 coaches was the answer, the Vikings would have 3 (or is it 4) Super Bowl cups in their trophy case. The StarTribune laid out in the Sunday, August 28 edition the full story. Surely, this is the year. How can we miss? Let’s see.

In football each team can put 11 men on the field at one time… offense or defense. So, we have a sufficient number of coaches to give each man a designated coach whenever he is on the field. Or off the field. Doesn’t matter. So, 22 coaches are each hanging on to one guy. But we still have 7 coaches who don’t know what to do because they don’t have players assigned to them during the game. Perhaps I am naive and don’t understand the “inside game.” I’m sure some long-time fan will straighten me out.

Long Time Fan (LTF): “Jim, you are so naive. And stupid. Football has evolved into a game of specialists, not unlike medicine. You wouldn’t go to a general practitioner for removal of a wart on your butt. You would see a Buttsalogist. In like manner, football players need someone who knows exactly what to do. For example, if a player is a defensive lineman who can charge through the other team’s offense to splatter the quarterback, you have him work under the auspices of the OLB Coach (whatever that is) Mike Smith. Mike has breakfast with him and his wife and kids. You ride with him to practice. He tucks you in at night. Complete coverage 24/7. That’s 21st century coaching.”

Jim: “OK. So, what are the roles of the Director of Player Performance and his Assistant? What do they do on Sunday afternoons?”

LTF: “Once again, Jim. I have to ask you: Did you graduate from high school like our players did? Man. Maybe you should take up pickleball. OK. The Director of Player Performance and his Assistant during games count the number of their players on the field at any given time. If there fewer or more than 11, they call either the Quality Control Coach or the Assistant to the Head Coach for Special Projects. Should they be busy, call the Highway Patrol, as they always have an officer near the bench. You make this sound so complicated, Jim”

Jim: “One last question. Do I have to get a special scorecard in order to keep track of all the comings and goings and the status of which coach is to accomplish what?”

LTF: “That’s that most eloquent question you have asked thus far. No, you don’t need a special scorecard to keep track of everything. Just listen to the TV announcers and drink your beer.”