From Where I Sit

By Pat Spilseth, Columnist

A hot pink, lavender sky floods the morning scene outside my windows. From across the lake I hear an owl hooting and a loon’s haunting cry, 

Early morning is my favorite time of the day. I savor early morning quiet before the day activities begin. It’s quiet; no one but me is stirring…Sitting in my favorite red leather chair I gaze out the window at the day unfolding. This is my planning time, my reflecting time…

I thought about yesterday’s funeral of a dear friend from my writing group. I became aware of how alone many people are feeling. 

As Dave and I were viewing the slide show of Kathi’s life, seeing photos of her many friends and activities, an elderly man started talking to us. We didn’t know him, but he needed to talk and we were available.  We heard about his wife’s poor health and her death. He described the loneliness he was experiencing, even his search for another mate to complete his life and the frustrations involved in that pursuit. As we started to leave the church, he kept talking to us, followed us to our car still talking about his aloneness. Funerals bring out the loneliness many are feeling.

Quiet, alone time is a blessing many days, a refuge from the frantic pace of living with a demanding schedule when you’re raising a family and have a full time job outside your home. But…too much alone time isn’t so healthy.

Soon my neighborhood will slowly be losing folks to warmer weather; they don’t like the winter as much as I do. Folks will be leaving for a few months in Florida, Arizona, California and Mexico, dropping off their house keys with me. Several ask me to check their mailboxes, unexpected lights on in their houses and unknown car tracks to their garages. They know I’ll remain here in Minnesota through January and February, probably March. They count on my vigilance. Even my husband, an ardent tennis champ, leaves our Minnesota home for a few weeks of warmth and tennis tournaments in Florida. 

“There is nothing like staying at home for real comfort.”  ~Jane Austen

I love the quiet comfort of just reading on the couch. With Dave in Florida, I have no meals to make, no dishes to wash, no laundry to load. Perhaps I’ll walk in the woods, though it’s not as pleasant without Buddy, my much loved beagle, who passed away several years ago.  A crackling fire in the fireplace fills the living room with warm coziness. I can consume endless cups of coffee while devouring a few cookies and a good mystery. These comforts quiet my soul; my body relaxes as I drift off into another mesmerizing tale.

Quiet aloneness is lovely for a short time; after a few weeks loneliness sets in.

Pangs of loneliness are high for many folks in fall and winter. Gloominess is rampant. A new study from researchers at the U of California, San Diego, has found that three-quarters of Americans have moderate to high levels of this feeling The study found that “Loneliness is distress caused by a lack of satisfactory relationships, not being alone…  A hermit may not feel lonely. Conversely, a person can be lonely even when surrounded by people.”

As seasons change from summer to fall and winter, the darkness and cold can bring on an epidemic of loneliness. So many people have their eyes glued to their phones or computers instead of observing the variety of people surrounding them and the places we’re familiar with. We fail to appreciate the many possibilities offered free to us. Individuals flock to social media to feel a sense of community. Think about how much time you spend scrolling through Facebook or reading advice columns in the newspaper or watching mindless sitcoms on TV. 

Loneliness hurts. Most of all it hurts when we’re not connected to who we are or who we could be. How many know their neighbors, parents of your kids’ friends, fellow church goers, your kids’ coaches and teachers, shopkeepers? It used to be a warm community feeling to know who ran the grocery store or shoe store; we knew the butcher, the bakers at the city bakery and, of course, the coffee shop regulars. Feeling a sense of community togetherness combats loneliness. Those of us who have lived in a community or a neighborhood for many years have made friends when we borrowed a cup of sugar or drove together to a game or show. Being connected is a feeling of wealth.

Bradley J. Fikes, writer for the San Diego Union-Tribune, writes that  an antidote to loneliness is wisdom, similar to optimism. “It allows you to roll with life’s punches, learn from your mistakes and develop empathy for others.” 

Fikes cites three peak periods of loneliness: 

1. The late 20s when you’re choosing a life partner, a job and where to settle.

2. The mid 50s when you might be experiencing a midlife crisis like menopause for women and andropause in men. Physical disabilities or illness may appear like arthritis, back pain and increasing blood pressure. 

3. The late 80s when it’s common for many to become more aware of illness and our own mortality.

Though I like to meditate looking out at the lake, I know it’s not good for me to spend too much time alone thinking. There’s got to be a balance between socializing and alone time. I need to get outside into the refreshing air to motivate me to walk or go to lunch with a pal…to do something. 

I really treasure your responses to my column! Please keep commenting and supplying me with new writing ideas… thanks.

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To contact Pat, email: pat.spilseth@gmail.com.